Wednesday, November 10, 2010
This Week
I realize I have no self control. I cannot control my emotions or what I put in my mouth, or what I say, or think. I cannot control any of this. This week, I am going to fast. For a week, starting today and ending next Wednesday morning. I need to finally get myself and my life under control. No food. Coffee, diet soda, water, lemon juice, breath mints, gum, vitamins are all allowed. I need to work out every day, even if it is just speed-walking for a half an hour. The one thing I can eat if I think I'm going to loose it is grapes. I can have six grapes max, and a max of 12 grapes total over these 7 days, which is 50 calories. I do need to keep track of anything caloric that I put in my mouth--vitamins, gum, mints, etc. I need to do this. I need to post on this blog every day, keep me accountable. I will stay on track.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Food
Food...any food...will go to my stomach, my ass, my wide hips, by arms, my legs. The food I don't eat is the food that will melt it all away. Food will lower my self-esteem, food will make my ex not want me at all, food will ruin the life I want. Nothing will make everyone want me, emptiness will make Jake regret, empty means glorious power and strength. When food is stripped away all that is left is me, me and these weightless, sacred bones.
I had a taste of broth, just the tiniest sip because my roommate wanted to know if it was well seasoned. And then a stick of gum. Other than that I had black coffee, ginger tea, and and a diet soda.
I found out my friend Mike will be coming up from Eau Clair this weekend to hang out. It will be fun, but ironically one of the things he likes about me is that I'm "not one of those girls who's worried about her weight." For some reason I can eat more easily around him than other people. Maybe because with him I try my best just to be normal, or because he somehow allows me to have a more ?controlled? binge...one night we each bought a pizza from Target and ate the whole thing (although that was after not eating for a day and a half), another time we went to Fudruckers and I ate a whole burger and fries (fasted for the next two days). It's great fun, but it ruins any steady plans I have with food and sometimes if he stays for a period of time I cannot avoid these daily binges. Anyway, he'll want to go out and eat and go out drinking and unfortunately I'm so worried right now about the intense need I have to lose weight right now. I don't think I can refuse to eat around him, he'd bug me until I ate it all or confessed I wasn't as "normal" as he thinks I am.
Just a few more hours until bed-time. Sleep will be so welcoming. I can't eat when I'm sleeping. And I need to get a full night's sleep so that I can look my best...I see Jake tomorrow. Maybe sometime I'll talk about our breakup, and why it really is silly that we've broken up. Stay strong; fade and fast.
I had a taste of broth, just the tiniest sip because my roommate wanted to know if it was well seasoned. And then a stick of gum. Other than that I had black coffee, ginger tea, and and a diet soda.
I found out my friend Mike will be coming up from Eau Clair this weekend to hang out. It will be fun, but ironically one of the things he likes about me is that I'm "not one of those girls who's worried about her weight." For some reason I can eat more easily around him than other people. Maybe because with him I try my best just to be normal, or because he somehow allows me to have a more ?controlled? binge...one night we each bought a pizza from Target and ate the whole thing (although that was after not eating for a day and a half), another time we went to Fudruckers and I ate a whole burger and fries (fasted for the next two days). It's great fun, but it ruins any steady plans I have with food and sometimes if he stays for a period of time I cannot avoid these daily binges. Anyway, he'll want to go out and eat and go out drinking and unfortunately I'm so worried right now about the intense need I have to lose weight right now. I don't think I can refuse to eat around him, he'd bug me until I ate it all or confessed I wasn't as "normal" as he thinks I am.
Just a few more hours until bed-time. Sleep will be so welcoming. I can't eat when I'm sleeping. And I need to get a full night's sleep so that I can look my best...I see Jake tomorrow. Maybe sometime I'll talk about our breakup, and why it really is silly that we've broken up. Stay strong; fade and fast.
Today
Today, today. Everything seems to hinge on today and whether I can make it through. Nothing. I love the word. Nothing, empty...it's words like that which empower me. I want to fade away. I will lose enough by tomorrow. Tomorrow I will look better than today.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Sigh
I've eaten half a piece of cheese pizza (200) today. Which is 200 more calories than I intended. Life is spiraling. Maybe up, maybe down, I can't say for sure at this point. My boyfriend of nearly three years broke up with me about a month ago. I didn't eat for days and then wound up binging on everything. It seems I've finally managed to get things under control, losing weight again, and I need to keep going.
I'm trying to lose as much weight as possible by the 16th...which is the three year anniversary of the day we met. Not necessarily to try and get him back, just to make him regret a little. I have been able to meet other guys, but right now I still only have my ex in mind. That's enough on that though.
The plan is to fast tomorrow and Tuesday, and drink ginger and green tea. After that, for the week, to restrict any solid food intake to grapes. I just need to get this weight off of me. It is dragging me down, and I cannot stand it. My goal for the end of November is 130 pounds. I have to stick to this. I have to be thin, I will shed my problems as I shed these pounds.
This is it. Please help me. Please, hold me to this dear blog. You are the only one who knows, the only thing I can be honest with. You and anyone who happens to chance across these pages, but I cannot believe anyone would.
I'm trying to lose as much weight as possible by the 16th...which is the three year anniversary of the day we met. Not necessarily to try and get him back, just to make him regret a little. I have been able to meet other guys, but right now I still only have my ex in mind. That's enough on that though.
The plan is to fast tomorrow and Tuesday, and drink ginger and green tea. After that, for the week, to restrict any solid food intake to grapes. I just need to get this weight off of me. It is dragging me down, and I cannot stand it. My goal for the end of November is 130 pounds. I have to stick to this. I have to be thin, I will shed my problems as I shed these pounds.
This is it. Please help me. Please, hold me to this dear blog. You are the only one who knows, the only thing I can be honest with. You and anyone who happens to chance across these pages, but I cannot believe anyone would.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Returning
I haven't posted in a while...almost a month, and things have been up and down...but the scale mostly up. I am five pounds heavier now, I've been stressed with school starting again, but my resolve is the firmer. Today I ate a peach (40) and vegitables (carrots, celery and grape tomatos~50.) I want to shed these five pounds by the end of the week. I know it is possible if I keep my calories below 300, DO NOT BINGE, and DO NOT EAT AFTER 7:00 pm!!!! That last one is crucial. I eat so much in the evening. I hate it. I can fast all through the day, and when eveing hits so does hunger, and cravings, and everything lothesome and evil. That is what I resolve.
Rules: These I have stuck to in the past, but writing them down seems to make them much more real.
Rule #1: Must not eat a bite after 7:00 pm.
Rule #2: Must never eat more than 500 calories a day; Goal is <300 calories a day.
Rule #3: Must count every calorie.
Rule #4: Must count every bite. If I lose count, I must throw it away.
Rule #5: Must weigh myself every morning. No avoiding the scale.
Rules: These I have stuck to in the past, but writing them down seems to make them much more real.
Rule #1: Must not eat a bite after 7:00 pm.
Rule #2: Must never eat more than 500 calories a day; Goal is <300 calories a day.
Rule #3: Must count every calorie.
Rule #4: Must count every bite. If I lose count, I must throw it away.
Rule #5: Must weigh myself every morning. No avoiding the scale.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Interesting Article Excerpt
I was searching for a place to find the nutrition in 1 M&M and stumbled upon an article comparing "Ones". So many articles only compare servings, I always have to calculate down portion sizes and I much prefer knowing exactly how many calories are in each individual item or bite.
Taken from http://www.fitnessmagazine.com/weight-loss/expert-advice/diet-detective/calorie-counts-for-popular-food-items/
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One Pringles Potato Chip vs. One McDonald's French Fry
Believe it or not, one french fry has only five calories, while a single Pringles chip is double at 10 calories.
One Grape Tomato vs. One Green Seedless Grape
The winner: The grape tomato has only one calorie, whereas a green grape has four. However, both are great choices, particularly for their antioxidant content (e.g., grapes have flavonoids and tomatoes have lycopene).
One Strand of Whole Wheat Spaghetti vs. One Tablespoon of Campbell's Select Herbed Chicken with Roasted Vegetables Soup
The strand of spaghetti has only 3.5 calories, whereas the sip of soup has 6.25 calories. Keep in mind, however, research indicates that eating a low-calorie soup is a great way to fill up before a meal.
One Stick of Wrigley's Juicy Fruit Gum vs. One Piece of Bazooka
I have mixed feelings about gum: Some people say it helps them control their weight, but I don't love the way it looks. That said, who would think that chewing two or three pieces of gum a day adds up to 4.5 pounds per year? The winner here is Juicy Fruit at 10 calories, compared with Bazooka's 15.
One M&M vs. One Jelly Belly vs. One Peppermint Altoid
M&M's can be a pretty good deal at times, especially if you're comparing them to a regular candy bar (one bite of a Hershey's bar with almonds has 37 calories) which always seems to disappear so fast. Also, if you're sharing M&M's, they split up nicely because you can pass the bag back and forth. However, they have 4.3 calories per piece, which add up fast as you're popping them into your mouth. As far as jelly beans go, well, I hear a lot about them being low in fat, but that doesn't mean very much -- they're still four calories per bean. If you're satisfied with a few, that's great, but watch out for unconscious candy dish consumption. Altoids and other mints are another story. They supposedly serve a function -- to freshen your breath -- so the calories don't matter, right? Sorry, but all calories count, and please spare me the argument that it takes work to suck on the mint. One Altoid has almost 3.5 calories.
One Bite-Size Cube of Cheddar Cheese vs. One Famous Amos Chocolate Chip Cookie
Clearly the cheese is the better choice nutritionally, but you need to know that cheese is not a health food you can consume without guilt -- one bite-size (1/2-inch) cube has 55 calories, whereas the cookie has only 37.5 calories. Whenever possible, go with low-fat cheese. A great one is Cabot's Vermont 50% Light Cheddar -- 35 calories per bite-size (1/2-inch) cube.
One Fritos Original Corn Chip vs. One Cashew nut
Here again, the cashew has health benefits that far outweigh those of the nutritionally bland corn chip; however, cashews have 8.5 calories per nut, whereas Fritos contain five per chip. So just because you hear that nuts are healthful doesn't give you carte blanche to overindulge -- you're supposed to eat nuts in place of something else in your diet that's high in calories and nutritionally inferior, not simply add them.
One Broccoli Floret vs. One Baby Carrot
Both are super vegetables. Basically, you can't eat enough of either one. Carrots have the antioxidant beta carotene, which may reduce the risk of heart disease and cancer and promote better vision, especially night vision, while broccoli is just loaded with health benefits (high in vitamins A, C, and K and a great source of iron and folate). Okay, so which is lower in calories? It's the broccoli at 0.8 calories; the baby carrot has 1.25.
Taken from http://www.fitnessmagazine.com/weight-loss/expert-advice/diet-detective/calorie-counts-for-popular-food-items/
-----------------------------------------
One Pringles Potato Chip vs. One McDonald's French Fry
Believe it or not, one french fry has only five calories, while a single Pringles chip is double at 10 calories.
One Grape Tomato vs. One Green Seedless Grape
The winner: The grape tomato has only one calorie, whereas a green grape has four. However, both are great choices, particularly for their antioxidant content (e.g., grapes have flavonoids and tomatoes have lycopene).
One Strand of Whole Wheat Spaghetti vs. One Tablespoon of Campbell's Select Herbed Chicken with Roasted Vegetables Soup
The strand of spaghetti has only 3.5 calories, whereas the sip of soup has 6.25 calories. Keep in mind, however, research indicates that eating a low-calorie soup is a great way to fill up before a meal.
One Stick of Wrigley's Juicy Fruit Gum vs. One Piece of Bazooka
I have mixed feelings about gum: Some people say it helps them control their weight, but I don't love the way it looks. That said, who would think that chewing two or three pieces of gum a day adds up to 4.5 pounds per year? The winner here is Juicy Fruit at 10 calories, compared with Bazooka's 15.
One M&M vs. One Jelly Belly vs. One Peppermint Altoid
M&M's can be a pretty good deal at times, especially if you're comparing them to a regular candy bar (one bite of a Hershey's bar with almonds has 37 calories) which always seems to disappear so fast. Also, if you're sharing M&M's, they split up nicely because you can pass the bag back and forth. However, they have 4.3 calories per piece, which add up fast as you're popping them into your mouth. As far as jelly beans go, well, I hear a lot about them being low in fat, but that doesn't mean very much -- they're still four calories per bean. If you're satisfied with a few, that's great, but watch out for unconscious candy dish consumption. Altoids and other mints are another story. They supposedly serve a function -- to freshen your breath -- so the calories don't matter, right? Sorry, but all calories count, and please spare me the argument that it takes work to suck on the mint. One Altoid has almost 3.5 calories.
One Bite-Size Cube of Cheddar Cheese vs. One Famous Amos Chocolate Chip Cookie
Clearly the cheese is the better choice nutritionally, but you need to know that cheese is not a health food you can consume without guilt -- one bite-size (1/2-inch) cube has 55 calories, whereas the cookie has only 37.5 calories. Whenever possible, go with low-fat cheese. A great one is Cabot's Vermont 50% Light Cheddar -- 35 calories per bite-size (1/2-inch) cube.
One Fritos Original Corn Chip vs. One Cashew nut
Here again, the cashew has health benefits that far outweigh those of the nutritionally bland corn chip; however, cashews have 8.5 calories per nut, whereas Fritos contain five per chip. So just because you hear that nuts are healthful doesn't give you carte blanche to overindulge -- you're supposed to eat nuts in place of something else in your diet that's high in calories and nutritionally inferior, not simply add them.
One Broccoli Floret vs. One Baby Carrot
Both are super vegetables. Basically, you can't eat enough of either one. Carrots have the antioxidant beta carotene, which may reduce the risk of heart disease and cancer and promote better vision, especially night vision, while broccoli is just loaded with health benefits (high in vitamins A, C, and K and a great source of iron and folate). Okay, so which is lower in calories? It's the broccoli at 0.8 calories; the baby carrot has 1.25.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Failure.
I ate a cookie. It was one cookie, and I ate it. Not a taste, or nibble, or even a bite...it was a whole cookie. I failed. When I got into the car I started crying. I went home and just about devoured everything in sight, I figured if I was going to go and do shit like that I didn't deserve to be thin. I'm so mad at myself. Today I drove to Target before work and grabbed some laxatives. I just hope they empty me, quickly. Today, I am fasting. I do not deserve to eat anything after last night. Tomorrow neither. Saturday I can have 200 calories, but no more. Sunday I can have 300. Monday I can't eat anything, but if I would like some broth during the day I may have it.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Pistachio Shells and Flaking Pages.
I ate three pistachios for breakfast (15). For some reason I always liked discarding the empty shells, they remind me of what I aspire to...so light, so empty, thin and smooth. Almond shells are so awkward and rough; there is just too much there, too many layers, too thick. Pistachio shells are perfect.
I'll add more to this post later today. For now I must return to work.
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I'm so glad that I was able to plan this date to Panera with my friend; I had fun with her, but it was also a successful escape. Today at work there was a panini potluck...sandwiches of large thick slabs of carbs smothered in butter so that the sides brown nicely, stacks of cheese and chunks of animal sliding out the sides in a gooey, greasey mess (350, and that is if I just put a single slice of cheese on two of the smalles pieces of bread, no butter, no meat)--potato slices cooked in nothing but fat (160)--then dessert: cupcakes topped with a sugary paste topped with more sugar (325), and pieces of candy (10-65), and apple-flavoured sugar water (120).
I ate at panera and consumed 110 calories, for a total today of 125.
Everyone at my work does nothing but eat. There are candy containers all over...a huge plastic tub of redvines sit at my desk...that other people will eat and I will chew and spit out when serious cravings hit.
I work in a library. I love the job, absolutely. I am surrounded by books and stories all through the day. And they keep me in the back; I mend books mostly: take up their tattered, forlorn looking bodies and re-glue what was once glued, and tape together what was once whole, and re-bind what was once gleaming and new. If it cannot be fixed, it must be thrown away...but I keep most of them. Dubliners by James Joyce and Sir Nigel, by Sir Arthur Connan Doyle are my latest aquisitions. They litter the ground with frail flakes of the pages when you pick them up.
-
Tonight I shall be out and about again. I'm not sure when I will eat, or what, but I probably should have something so my stomach doesn't make a sound when I go over to my boyfriend's. I might make a small pot of veggitable soup (50). That should be enough for the day.
I'll add more to this post later today. For now I must return to work.
-------------------------------
I'm so glad that I was able to plan this date to Panera with my friend; I had fun with her, but it was also a successful escape. Today at work there was a panini potluck...sandwiches of large thick slabs of carbs smothered in butter so that the sides brown nicely, stacks of cheese and chunks of animal sliding out the sides in a gooey, greasey mess (350, and that is if I just put a single slice of cheese on two of the smalles pieces of bread, no butter, no meat)--potato slices cooked in nothing but fat (160)--then dessert: cupcakes topped with a sugary paste topped with more sugar (325), and pieces of candy (10-65), and apple-flavoured sugar water (120).
I ate at panera and consumed 110 calories, for a total today of 125.
Everyone at my work does nothing but eat. There are candy containers all over...a huge plastic tub of redvines sit at my desk...that other people will eat and I will chew and spit out when serious cravings hit.
I work in a library. I love the job, absolutely. I am surrounded by books and stories all through the day. And they keep me in the back; I mend books mostly: take up their tattered, forlorn looking bodies and re-glue what was once glued, and tape together what was once whole, and re-bind what was once gleaming and new. If it cannot be fixed, it must be thrown away...but I keep most of them. Dubliners by James Joyce and Sir Nigel, by Sir Arthur Connan Doyle are my latest aquisitions. They litter the ground with frail flakes of the pages when you pick them up.
-
Tonight I shall be out and about again. I'm not sure when I will eat, or what, but I probably should have something so my stomach doesn't make a sound when I go over to my boyfriend's. I might make a small pot of veggitable soup (50). That should be enough for the day.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Today
I made up my mind to fast today, and was only slightly successful. My cravings howled at me all morning at work, so I grabbed some redvines and ate them in the bathroom--only chewing them and then spitting them out. Then, just a bit ago, I visited my boyfriend and made him dinner. I love cooking and blending flavours so it was impossible to go through the ordeal without tasting. It was a Cajun rice dish, I had two pea-sized tastes. Other than that, I drank a low-carb redbull and ate my vitamins. It was in total less than 50 calories consumed.
Tomorrow I am meeting a friend at Panera. I can eat the strawberry poppyseed salad without chicken and nuts: 110 calories. With a light breakfast and dinner I'll be able to stay around 250 calories, max is 300.
Tomorrow I am meeting a friend at Panera. I can eat the strawberry poppyseed salad without chicken and nuts: 110 calories. With a light breakfast and dinner I'll be able to stay around 250 calories, max is 300.
First Post.
Name: You may call me Alice.
Age: 21
Occupation: A student and a writer
Height: 5ft 7in
CW: 149
HW: 175
LW: 120
GW: 103 Audry Hepburn was my height and 103lbs.
I developed Ana in high-school, although I was always weird with food, I either binged or abstained, there never really was anything regular. I found that the best way to not binge was to not eat. So in high-school I stopped. It was after a bad break up that I gave up, started eating again, binging again, and before I knew it I was 175lbs. I became ashamed and began to try to develop a kind of normalcy to my eating, and lost nothing. After four years, I have returned to Ana. I am fed up with myself for so many reasons, I need that feeling of touching the ethereal, aspiring to the goddesses. I've lost 25 pounds thus far and need the motivation to keep going, to perfect myself. It is hard, some days I will eat five calories more than what I planned and it will hurl me forward into another binge like before. Emptiness feels so much better.
Here I will post my day to day life, struggles, the food I eat, recipes, thinspo, tips, and thoughts. I don't know why, but perhaps it's just to know the simple fact that someone else is there behind the looking glass with me.
~Alice~
Age: 21
Occupation: A student and a writer
Height: 5ft 7in
CW: 149
HW: 175
LW: 120
GW: 103 Audry Hepburn was my height and 103lbs.
I developed Ana in high-school, although I was always weird with food, I either binged or abstained, there never really was anything regular. I found that the best way to not binge was to not eat. So in high-school I stopped. It was after a bad break up that I gave up, started eating again, binging again, and before I knew it I was 175lbs. I became ashamed and began to try to develop a kind of normalcy to my eating, and lost nothing. After four years, I have returned to Ana. I am fed up with myself for so many reasons, I need that feeling of touching the ethereal, aspiring to the goddesses. I've lost 25 pounds thus far and need the motivation to keep going, to perfect myself. It is hard, some days I will eat five calories more than what I planned and it will hurl me forward into another binge like before. Emptiness feels so much better.
Here I will post my day to day life, struggles, the food I eat, recipes, thinspo, tips, and thoughts. I don't know why, but perhaps it's just to know the simple fact that someone else is there behind the looking glass with me.
~Alice~
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