This Week

I realize I have no self control.  I cannot control my emotions or what I put in my mouth, or what I say, or think.  I cannot control any of this.  This week, I am going to fast.  For a week, starting today and ending next Wednesday morning.  I need to finally get myself and my life under control.  No food.  Coffee, diet soda, water, lemon juice, breath mints, gum, vitamins are all allowed.  I need to work out every day, even if it is just speed-walking for a half an hour.  The one thing I can eat if I think I'm going to loose it is grapes.  I can have six grapes max, and a max of 12 grapes total over these 7 days, which is 50 calories.  I do need to keep track of anything caloric that I put in my mouth--vitamins, gum, mints, etc.  I need to do this.  I need to post on this blog every day, keep me accountable.  I will stay on track.

Food

Food...any food...will go to my stomach, my ass, my wide hips, by arms, my legs.  The food I don't eat is the food that will melt it all away.  Food will lower my self-esteem, food will make my ex not want me at all, food will ruin the life I want.  Nothing will make everyone want me, emptiness will make Jake regret, empty means glorious power and strength.  When food is stripped away all that is left is me, me and these weightless, sacred bones.

I had a taste of broth, just the tiniest sip because my roommate wanted to know if it was well seasoned.  And then a stick of gum.  Other than that I had black coffee, ginger tea, and and a diet soda.

I found out my friend Mike will be coming up from Eau Clair this weekend to hang out.  It will be fun, but ironically one of the things he likes about me is that I'm "not one of those girls who's worried about her weight."  For some reason I can eat more easily around him than other people.  Maybe because with him I try my best just to be normal, or because he somehow allows me to have a more ?controlled? binge...one night we each bought a pizza from Target and ate the whole thing (although that was after not eating for a day and a half), another time we went to Fudruckers and I ate a whole burger and fries (fasted for the next two days).  It's great fun, but it ruins any steady plans I have with food and sometimes if he stays for a period of time I cannot avoid these daily binges.  Anyway, he'll want to go out and eat and go out drinking and unfortunately I'm so worried right now about the intense need I have to lose weight right now.  I don't think I can refuse to eat around him, he'd bug me until I ate it all or confessed I wasn't as "normal" as he thinks I am.

Just a few more hours until bed-time.  Sleep will be so welcoming.  I can't eat when I'm sleeping.  And I need to get a full night's sleep so that I can look my best...I see Jake tomorrow.  Maybe sometime I'll talk about our breakup, and why it really is silly that we've broken up.  Stay strong; fade and fast.

Today

Today, today.  Everything seems to hinge on today and whether I can make it through.  Nothing.  I love the word.  Nothing, empty...it's words like that which empower me.  I want to fade away.  I will lose enough by tomorrow.  Tomorrow I will look better than today.